"Everyone sooner or later sits down to a banquet of consequences.”-  Robert Louis Stevenson

Last summer, I was talking to a former  “friend” on the phone trying to help with her latest run in with the MVD. I've had my issues with them and was giving  advice about what she needed to do in order to resolve her situation. It's easy to get  blind sided by all the power trips the MVD likes to bestow on us meek unsuspecting maggots.  

Then out of the blue she says, “I think your bad luck is rubbing off in my life, I mean, every since I’ve been friends with you, I’ve had bad luck--But don’t worry, I still want to be your friend.”

I processed this absurdity in the few seconds and responded, “Way to take responsibility for your life.”

 
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."-  George Burns

Then it hit me! She was actually serious about what she said!  I quickly told her that I needed to go then hung up the phone. I had only been friends with her around seven months and once again didn’t listen to my instincts. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and sadly it didn't work out. This is why I’m reluctant to make new friends. Usually right when you’re least expecting they put on their tinfoil hats and begin speaking in foreign tongue.  I have no expectation anymore because it leads into disappointment. 

She was having some “bad luck” lately, as she called it, and had been trying to figure out as to "why."  It’s a normal reaction when we all experience the wrath of our choices. Then the blame game begins with accountability struggling in last place. 

I could understand if I actually spoke in negative terms or chained her up in my basement so she couldn’t pay her ticket. Or held a gun to her head and forced her to speed down those long highways. Or had the power to alter the economy and to get in people’s minds and tell them NOT to buy a $500,000 home from her….but I didn’t. I gave her sales books, offered free marketing to grab the consumers attention, (I’m a graphic designer) and listened to her problems and tried to give understanding and advice when asked.

So, the absurdity of her comment lead to me saying we shouldn’t be friends any longer so maybe the “good luck Gods,” will smile down her once again.

I resigned from that situation of being someone’s excuse or even my own. I attract certain undesirable situations in my life, without noticing, and I’m working on identifying when they arise and pull back. BUT until I let go of hoarding those drama filled boxes of good-for-nothing circumstances and they are completely fixed,  I will cut ties immediately with someone in my life that shows disrespect and demonstrates shadows of shady character. I have low tolerance for bullshit, as of late, and won’t waste my time trying to stop an inevitable train wreck. I just jump off instead of dealing with the crash and burn. Hince the name, Falling From Trains....

I’m not scared to say, that I have few friends that I completely trust, and that's hard for me to say, because of fear of it going away.  I am fortunate to be able to trust my family, because I've observed, on so many occasions, families turning on each other, and to me it one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.  But mostly,  I’m beginning to trust myself.

I trust myself... It's so cool to say!

I used to play the blame game, and don’t get me wrong--blaming another for something they’ve done that caused harm, hardship or outright pain of any kind, is warranted. I'm talking about those other circumstances when we search for things/people to blame outside ourselves because we can’t look beyond our resentment, anger, and culpability  to notice the only object standing in our way is ourselves. By doing this we are failing ourselves the choice of growing into our potential. I’ve failed myself on many occasions doing this exact thing, but I’m learning to recognize when I’m doing this negative behavior and stop to move out of my way.

 "Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achieved, of all the gifts which we have wasted, of all that we might have done which we did not do.”-  Gian-Carlo Menotti

We tend to forget all the good in our lives when we have shitty things happening to us. Look around and see all the awesome things you have in your life that most don’t. A full belly, roof over your head, family that loves you and you love them, and most of all you got yourself.

We can point our fingers all we want but in the end it’s up to us to recognize the opportunity to generate our own “luck” and create or new beginnings. “Luck” is about being ready when the opportunity knocks. Not just one chance, but the many that pound on our doors day in and night out. We just got to open it up and take the first step in welcoming them into our lives.

What I’ve learned in my life is nobody forced me to do those drugs, nobody forced me to drink and nobody forced me to make the buffet of mistakes I've made. I had experiences that gave me reasoning, but once I understood how those events contributed to my self-destructive behavior; they no longer were a reason, but an excuse.  

You know, I quit drugs when I found out I was pregnant, because I felt my child deserved so much better, (Thank you so much for Levi) but now I wonder why I never felt like I deserved better and didn't quit sooner  for myself. Why  couldn't I do that for myself? I deserved better, too.  There's a saying: "Treat yourself as though you were a five year old."  No way I would've done any harm to a five year old version of myself! Would you? So that's that I'm searching for right now: Why did I not feel I was worth anything better? It's a whole process of fixing your thought defensives and patterns then digging back deep in the past to find the moment(s) when it all just divided inside you...then piece it back together. 

Oh by the way:

Once in a blue moon, I'll run into some old time "friends"  I had 'partied' with way back when and they still blame their drug abuse or taking on things that’s happened to them in their lives. They still will not accept that they made a choice—like I made mine. Come on people!  We are not 18 any more. We’re adults now. Nobody forced that shit up our noses. Nobody forced us to consume large masses of alcohol and nobody forced us to keep on doing it way past our body’s limits.  We made our choices.  I made my choices and I'm dancing with accountability and let me tell you, most of the time, I'm not leading...

 "The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for those realities."-  Gifford Pinchot

I’m not here to judge, but realizing all this helps me understand my family a little better. and what they went through when I was too blind to my own selfishness. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry I hurt me. 

I’m not saying I’m perfect, and I have no desire to be perfect. I’m more perfectly imperfect as it gets. I harbor no faux pride in denying that fact, but I am trying to take responsibility for my life, choices, and actions. It's not easy, either. It's hard and draining but worth it. I have no choice but to accept my part in my life and the paths I've taken on my own accord. 

 "Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself."

 Thanks for reading.